Dear Shirley:
Down at the park in Girdwood I see the same kids picking on certain other kids. Are they just teasing or are they bullying? What is the difference?
Dear Observer:
Now that it is summertime kids are outside playing inappropriate behaviors are more noticeable. Teasing is to jest with others. The purpose is to be funny or to be taken as a joke. When a friend does something silly or stupid you react by calling them a “dork” or a “klutz”. Your intent was meant to be playful and friendly. Teasing involves two or more friends who make fun of each other in a way that is harmless and should not involve physically hurting others. However, it can become a form of harassment, or in extreme cases escalate to violence or abuse. So, teasing can spiral into a form of bullying.
Bullying involves two or more people who are not friends. It is universal; in that it can be boys to boys; girls to girls; girls to boys, or boys to girls. It happens, when one person repeatedly on purpose says or does mean or hurtful things to another person who has a hard time defending him or herself. The bully is usually physically larger, more domineering or popular. When you’ve been bullied, you don’t go “Hey, I’ve just been bullied,” but you know you feel bad.
Kids learn from kids when adults aren’t around. Both boys and girls use “words” to do the most harm. Physical bullying, pushing, hitting, or kicking is more common among boys. Girls use more subtle forms of bullying, such as leaving an individual out of the group, spreading rumors, or breaking up friendships. More bullying behaviors are making up lies; taking money, damaging personal property; threatening or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do; including sexual intimidation or cyber-bullying. Bullying can cause physical, mental, or emotional damage to the victim.
Bullies come in many sizes and shapes: Identifying factors are recognized by a drop in grades; loss of perceived importance among peer group; increased criticism of self, criticism of others (put downs); lowered self-esteem; and apparent joy from hurting others. Bullies are coercive and can become violent.
The boundary between the bully and the bullied are not always clear. Bullies often believe they are the victim even while they intimidate others. Children with low self-esteem may participate in either type of behavior. A young girl identified as a bully reported, “I realize that I was putting other girls down, but I was afraid they do it to me if I didn’t do it first. It feels safer to hurt others – before they hurt me. ” This teen admitted she was bullied when she was younger and no one came to help her.
When someone is bullied everyone is affected; the bully, the bullied and any witnesses, child or adult. Dr. Dan Olweus of Norway, a pioneer in the field of bullying developed a prevention plan. He claims the goal of a successful bullying prevention effort is to move peer children into the role of defending the child who is being bullied. The Bullying Prevention Program is a train the trainer program that has been implemented in public schools. Members of the faculty, bus drivers, teacher aids, etc. are taught how to intervene and address bullying or harassing behaviors while maintaining school policies.
Parents need to understand that children and adolescents do not automatically know how to make and be friends with others. You can be a tremendous support by letting your child know you are available, able to listen, support and encourage. There are three simple steps to follow: be there, listen and tell them you “love” them. Simply be with them; when riding in the car or sitting on the couch. It can be an opportunity for them to open up and for you to hear what they have to say.
Take yourself out of your world for a few moments and put yourself in theirs. You will hear their thoughts much more clearly and it will make the most of the moments that you have together. If you do have the opportunity to make the time, do things that interest them and that provide them with a challenge. Remember to tell them you “love them.” We assume that they know this, but they just need to hear the words.”
Call 1-800-328-9000 or go to Hazeldon.org for more Bully information.
Ask Shirley questions can be focused on any topics involving sport psychology, competition, health, fitness, clinical questions, substance abuse, or personal issues. Please, email your questions to Askshirl@gmail.com . All questions will remain anonymous.
Shirley K. Durtschi is a Certified Consultant in Applied Sport Psychology (CC-AASP), with a Ph.D. and M.S. in Sport Psychology, is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and a Chemical Dependency Counselor II (CDCII) for the State of Alaska.