Dear Shirley:
Is it true that after a few years of marriage, wives become hard-wired to reject any of the husband’s suggestions?
Hard-wired
Dear Hard-wired:
Your question is appropriate for paired couples in general. There are always ‘two sides to any coin’. To avoid a gender dispute and avoid any biases of opinion, I will address the question through a definition of terms. You can then, derive your own conclusions. The terms I will discuss are marriage, hard-wired, and rejection.
First of all, marriage is a verbal commitment, which forms a social, spiritual, and legal union between two individuals.
The term hard-wired is referred to as a “classical method of sequential circuit design” in which the processor control units are most often varied and complex. A simple to understand example is that of a sewing machine or a washing machine. Each is programmed to perform an expected task after punching a specified button. Because the machine is programmed to respond based on the task assigned you can expect a certain outcome. Human behavior is often believed to be hard-wired. However, philosophically speaking we have ‘freewill” which gives us the ability to choose and make decisions. We are not limited to a specific programmed response. Thus, we as humans are capable of responding to demands any way we choose. We are able to change and alter our responses. [Hint: the use of positive reinforcement can have a significant effect on creating the desired outcome behavior.]
The next term to be tackled appears to be the focal center of this question and is the perception of “rejection”. Rejection comes in many forms and shows no preference to rich or poor, single or married, child or adult. It is something that is taught early, heard often, and repeated throughout life. Really, rejection means nothing more than “No”. Yet, that spoken word is at the top of the list as one of the greatest fears of life. The real problem arises in how we interpret and react. If you think about it: “No” is a much easier response than “Yes”. We don’t have to explain “No” and it puts an end to the dialogue.
A “no” rejection can be downright scary! It means we cannot control people and circumstances. When things don’t go the way we want them to we feel violated, our expectations crushed, and the hurt can go deep. If we interpret the rejection as a loss it can create a sense of losing something we thought we had.
What really counts is how we respond to the perceived rejection. We can wallow in self-pity. Or we can motivate ourselves to go about things in a different way. What we do in response to the perceived rejection determines how we feel about ourselves. Be aware of your emotional response.
Square your shoulders, pick up your chin, and use it as a motivation to change old habits. Try new ways to communicate what you want and you will get a different outcome. Perhaps, the intent of your suggestion was wrongly interpreted? If so, change the message and you may get a totally different response. Pursue your answer beyond the response “No.” Ask for feedback in how you can compromise or come to a mutual agreement. “No” doesn’t have to be the end all to the question.
Rejection can make you stronger. Confidence is the cure. Be willing, open to acceptance, seek constructive change, and new ways of understanding. How you deal with it is your answer. Often we get locked into expected roles. Take a risk, redefine yourself, and try something different. Work at practicing healthy positive communication. Give them a hug and tell them you love them.
Shirley K. Durtschi is a Certified Consultant in Applied Sport Psychology (CC-AASP), with a Ph.D. and M.S. in Sport Psychology, is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and a Chemical Dependency Counselor II (CDCII) for the State of Alaska.