First things first. An Anchorage schoolteacher contacted me and wanted me to clarify that the $92,000 each for the 20 teaching positions, which the Anchorage Assembly approved recently, isn’t a base pay. That includes their benefits as well. I appreciate the comment. After all, without communication, we couldn’t get anywhere. Now, on to other things.

The recent incident with state Sen. Bert Stedman of Sitka and some other state legislators who indulged in a pricey Hawaiian conference on the public’s dime, reminded me of a story of our forefathers.

It was 1787. Thomas Jefferson, Sam Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and John Hancock were sitting together at a tavern in Philadelphia during a convention of the Continental Congress. They had just finished the first day of a long session of listening to seminars on how to write better legislation and give pinpointed presentations to their constituents.

Jefferson: This is a pretty good convention. My staff was nice enough to get me an upgrade on my suite that overlooks Independence Hall. It’s a beautiful view of the Liberty Bell.

Franklin: Is that really a good use of our new republic’s dollars? Couldn’t you just stay in the standard room by the horse and buggy depot, Thomas?

Jefferson: Just focus on getting the Post Office up and running, Ben. By the way, I did write something called the “Declaration of Independence.” I think I earned the upgrade.

Adams: I don’t like this beer. It tastes too hoppy.

Hancock: Then why don’t you go make your own, Sam? All you do is complain about tavern beer. We’re at a convention. Let’s just have fun. It’s not like we’re paying for it. Does anybody know where the hospitality suite is?

Jefferson: I thought this was the hospitality suite.

Hancock: It better not be. This place is filthy. Everyone has a fever. I went on this trip because I thought we were going to be having some “upscale” fun. Come on guys, we’re not paying for anything, so let’s have a good time.

Adams: Johnny, get the bill. Just sign your usual, huge signature on it, charge it to your room, and we’ll be on our way.

Franklin: You do have kind of a stuck up signature, John.

Hancock: Excuse me, Mr. Lightning bolt, just because I signed the Declaration of Independence after I had a couple of tall ones, doesn’t mean you need to pick on me.

Jefferson: Would you two please shut up. We’ve got the republics money to spend and only two days to do it. Sam, do me a favor and go ask the porter outside to bring around our limo-buggy.

Adams: We have a limo-buggy that can hold six people? Isn’t that expensive?

Franklin: Who cares? It’s not like we’re paying for it. So where are we off to next? There must be some activities going on. Where the hell are the lobbyists? Why isn’t anyone kissing up to us?

Jefferson: Only aim to do your duty and mankind will give you credit where you fail.

Franklin: Oh, oh, looks like Tommy had one too many already. He’s preaching. Speaking of credit, did we get that big Hancock signature on the tab?

Hancock: I really resent the signature comment, guys. Where’s the tab? Got it.

Franklin: All right, we’re done here. Let’s go boys.

They all get into the huge horse n’ buggy and leave.

Adams: That beer was just awful.

Franklin: Well, you bought the cheap stuff, Sam. I told you that we’re not paying for anything. Why didn’t you get that great Ale that the bartender recommended?

Adams: It was expensive. I can’t spend that kind of money on beer. There are people who are starving. Farmers, whose crops are failing. It’s not like the economy takes care of itself. We need to be responsible and lead by example. We just can’t spend our constituent’s money as if it came off a tree.

Franklin: Oh, shut up, Sam. Sure you can. Look at Jefferson. He got an upgrade to a huge suite. He’s got a big deck with a beautiful view. Your problem is that you don’t have the staff that Tommy has. They get him anything he wants. Sam, you need to take the, “I’m a true representative of the people” attitude and toss it in the outhouse. Just have fun and think of it as fake money. You’ll eventually get used to it.

Hancock: That’s a good one, Ben. He’s right, Sammy. We’re at this convention to relax and enjoy ourselves. It’s not like people are going to ask us what we accomplished and hold us accountable.

Jefferson: I feel sick. Can you tell the coachman to slow down? I hate going to conventions in these rainy cities with potholes all over the roads. Why can’t we just have a convention in some tropical paradise? We could have a nice pig roast, girls dancing in grass skirts, and we could walk around on the beach in our bare feet with flowers around our necks.

Adams: Are you kidding me? You think Philadelphia’s pricey. You don’t know what pricey is. Try and go to a tropical resort for a convention. I did a couple of years ago. It was beautiful. My suite overlooked the ocean and the sunsets were second to none, but when I checked out and saw my bill, I nearly crapped myself!

Jefferson: Nice language, Sam. And you call yourself a representative of the people? That’s why you weren’t invited to write the Declaration.

Hancock: Okay, that’s enough, boys. Come on, now. We’re here to have fun with no out of pocket expenses.

Franklin: God, I love this country. Oh, look we’ve arrived. The champagne and caviar better be good. Who’s picking up the bill?

Jefferson: We the people.

The buggy fills with laughter.