Dear Shirley:
I have a friend who has an unconscious habit of going “humph” every second or third sentence. I know she is a thinker, but nobody knows what she is thinking unless she says something concrete. How do I make her aware of her behavior? Some days it is barely noticeable and other days it happens non-stop. It is to the point of being annoying.
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed:
What are you afraid of? Tell her. The habit will not change if it is not brought to her awareness and who better than you to be the messenger. You don't have to be mean about it, nor come across as being critical. Try making a joke of it. Get her feedback and work on a behavioral change plan together. You can help her by making her aware at times when she falls into her habitual “humph.” Ask her what she is thinking at that time—indulge her in conversation about her thoughts and what they constitute.
Historically, there are influences on consciousness from other parts of the mind—explore what those influences might be for her. Talk about it and together come up with a solution: In the beginning she could consciously change the “humph” to just taking one long deep breath. After a while she will tire of making the transition and possibly give up the response altogether. In 1980, Azrin and Nunn published an article in Behavioral Research Therapy on Habit–Reversal recommending awareness training, which involves identifying the situations, times, places, and people present when the problem habit occurs.
For example, identify when it occurs, whether you are sitting in a classroom, attending a meeting, when you are alone, bored and or anxious. They suggest implementing a competing response, which is a behavior that is incompatible with the habit behavior. In other words, a competing response makes it difficult, if not impossible, to perform the problem behavior. For example, for nail biting, an incompatible response is to hold a pencil in hand or to clench both fists until the urge to perform the problem behavior is gone.
The trick is to find a competing response that is performed by the same body part that is involved in the nervous habit or a tic. A competing response for your friend would be to just relaxes and breathe, letting go of the need to make a verbal response.
Here is a six-step plan to bust a nervous habit or tic:
Identify the times, situations and your emotional state when you perform the behavior or are about to perform it. Habits become automatic. Conscious awareness is critical. When you can anticipate that you are about to perform your habitual behavior before you actually do, you are likely to be more effective in stopping it.
Identify an incompatible behavior that you can perform to interrupt or preempt the problem behavior.
Identify one or more compelling reasons and/or rewards that motivate you to quit the habit.
Imagine being in the situation that triggers the habit. Rehearse the competing behavior in your mind. It is called “mental practice.” Using mental practice increases your chances of success.
Designate someone to prompt you to perform the competing behavior when you slip into the old habit.
Praise, social support and material rewards should follow successful attempts. (Mind Publications: Sharma, V., 2008)
Whatever you do be supportive and non-judgmental. You'll be fine and your relationship will be better for it.
This whole question reminds me of a friend who used to laugh at any and everything that was said. We finally asked her “what is so funny?” Her response was “what are you talking about?” She was not aware of her constant giggle laugh response and how irritating it was to her friends. We found out the laugh was a nervous response: Her way of being involved in the social interaction without having to say anything. When we understood that we could accept her behavior and let it go. She on the other hand became consciously aware of how much her laugh irritated others and was able to stop herself from doing it in most situations.
“Ask Shirley” questions can be focused on any topics involving life, health, fitness, mental training, competition, clinical issues or addictions. All questions will remain anonymous. Please, email your questions to Askshirl@gmail.com. Shirley K. Durtschi is an Applied Sport Psychology Certified Consultant (AASP-CC), Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Chemical Dependency Counselor Supervisor (CDCS) for the State of Alaska.
